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It's amazing how we get to where we are. Today. This day. I went with James to go get a marriage license. Today I facebook stalked my ex fiance. Today I talked to an old friend, and old lover. Today I wondered how I ended up here. How I got to marriage. Me...I was never the type you bring home to mother. But he brought me home. Others had in the past. There were times I thought I had found it...true love. I didn't. I found solace in the arms of another. It wasn't a bad thing. All a part of growing up. Finding myself. But now that I've found myself, I wonder if this is who I really wanted to be. Don't get me wrong. When I look at the two of them, James and Mason, I wouldn't trade them for the world. But I wonder what happened to that passionate young girl that I once was. Is she dead and gone? Buried beneath the shroud of a mother? Does being a wife and a mother really make me so different from what I was 2 years ago? I'm going to walk down an aisle in 8 days and give my life to a man. I really already have...I've had his child, and I could never in a million years be unfaithful to him, but something just seems so final about that day. The end of my life as Kelsey Myers. The beginning of my life as Kelsey Baier. It's a hard pill to swallow. I didn't think it would be. Up until about a day or two ago I was the calmest person about that. I was more worried about the details, the decorations, the dress, the shoes, the hair, the makeup. I should have kept focusing on the details. Now I'm focusing on whether at 22 I'm ready to be someone's life. To have and to hold...forever. Forever is such a long time. How did I end up at forever? I remember being a child, completely infatuated with the idea of being my daddy's little girl forever. Then high school when all I wanted was to get away, to be independent. College, when I sought love at every turn. I thought I had stumbled upon it...really it was just an excuse to have someone else control the direction of my life...I didn't want to make the big decisions alone. I should have made the decisions myself. But I learned and I moved on. I laughed and I cried and I drank. I probably did all of those things more than I should have. But I enjoyed that time. I enjoyed staying up late and going to work hungover and doing it all over again the next day. I was wreckless with my body and I was free. I got piercings and tattoo's. I lived like there was no tomorrow, only that day. But I loved. I loved like I never thought I could. And I grew. I grew out of the shell that my ex had put me in. I became a better person for it. I learned so much about being true to myself and to my heart. And then I met James. And when I thought I had finally found a home I learned some of the most frightening news of my life. I was going to be a mother. Me. Drunk, loving, wild, adventurous, passionate me. I was going to be someone's homely mom. It was frightening, but we made it. I was that babies home for those 9 months. And I fought it, emotionally. It was a battle. I felt betrayed by my body, I felt betrayed by James, that somehow he had 'done this' to me. Even though none of that was true. My emotions have never been stronger than they were since I found out I was carrying that baby. Then one day, there he was, in my arms. My precious little boy. And there was nothing else in the world that mattered other than our little family. And my tiny little baby grew, as much as I begged him to stay little, he grew. He has become this crazy little toddler with independent thoughts and actions. He has become so much more than a little baby. He is my world. He can make or break my day with a smile and a hug. I could never do anything to hurt him. I could never do anything that would negatively impact his life. But I still have me to look after, right? I still want to sky dive, run, ski, rock climb, become a doctor. I have so many dreams, so many activities that I used to participate in that are just calling me. Yet I have no outlet. Not right now. Because I need to become a wife. Because I'm a mother. I know that it just seems overwhelming right now. In the midst of all of this planning. Life is tough when you become an adult. You watch the world around you spiral out of control as you struggle to remember to pay all of the bills and clean the house and plan for the future. It becomes a whirlwind of responsibility and suddenly you have no time to be that beautiful young woman that you worked so hard on discovering. So tonight I'm going to focus on how I got here. The steps I took to become the person that I am today. I became a chemist, a mother, a wife....all of these things for a reason. I didn't leave the girl I was behind, I just buried her for a while. I can be all of the things that I have to be and all of the things that I want to be. I can sit here and stay up late and watch my favorite movie. I can think deeply about all of the things that it brings up. I can re-live the moments of my past that I miss. I can still go out and have a good time every once in a while. I can take time to rock climb, I can sky dive, I can go skiing. I am still that passionate young woman. I just have to choose when to let her loose and when to reel her in. I can study and work hard at the goals that I have never stopped striving for. I can become the doctor that I want to be while still being the best mother to my child. It's okay to get nostalgic. Who I was has made me the person that I am today. I can handle that. I can get married and know deep in my heart that I am doing what I am meant to do. I am fulfilling my destiny, one step at a time. I am completing the journey. I am enjoying every step...
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